Celibacy Journal Collection- Day Six
Day 6 of being intentionally celibate something that I’m wrestling with is the idea that people actually want more than just sex from me. It’s sad maybe that I’m surprised by this but it’s the truth. Since being on this celibate journey mind you it’s been 6 days and I’ve had to decline 4 people who wanted to have sex. I will say some of them were long term friend/ lovers so I knew they would for the most part stick around. The one that I thought wouldn’t tho pleasantly surprised me. I mean we only started talking for one thing, and one thing only. So of course when I tell him sex is off the table I just naturally assumed that he would piss off. But he didn’t… he was surprised, maybe didn’t fully understand, but decided he still wanted to see me. But why did I assume that ? Why didn’t I naturally think instead, sex isn’t that big of a deal and I have more to offer than just sex. Why is it that after my first encounter with this man irl I was more concerned with how I performed in bed then if I portrayed who I truly am in a genuine way with this person… a person I’m literally completely opening myself up for to receive. Why why why!? Maybe it comes from just always being told all boys want is one thing growing up, maybe it changed my way into thinking thats all that I can offer. Maybe it became a cycle I got stuck in because it was when I figured out my femininity,my power in my sex that I felt attention. because as a tomboy growing up I don’t ever really remember even being called pretty…
Or maybe it comes from being molested while I was a young girl… I was molested by a boy my age that sexually knew more than me… but I will say I always knew it was bad … something to hide… maybe sex was just something the rebel in me became to glorify first.
Whatever the reason or reasons I know I want to become more confident in my personality. I have learned from a general survey from my friends that they find me to be charismatic,creative, and sensual. Tbh I wouldn’t have used these words to describe myself but these are my closest friends. Which leads me to believe I need to heal how I view myself. Because I would’ve used confident , outgoing, and ambitious maybe… but maybe that’s just how I externally want to be perceived. I wouldn’t even consider myself a very creative person, or even charismatic, i find to feel that I don’t usually get along with all people, and sensual i don’t even know what that means…
If the people closest to me see me one way and I view myself one way which version is really me? Am I being to hard on myself or am I just blind to who I really am because I doubt who I am?
Upon deeper reflection
Why I don’t like these words
I see …
Charismatic to mean I am Manipulative and a people pleaser
Creative to me feels like failure, no one understands what I’m saying, no one cares
Sensual just sounds like sexual, provocative, attention whore.
Why do I view these words that describe me as so negative? I need to rewire this …
I am creative, I create stories and visions through my words, I have big ideas and I’m learning to hone my craft, and I am a successful creator.
I am charismatic, this is a gift. I am captivating and I stand out and I am full of personality.
I am sensual, I create big energy and I am comfortable in how I naturally appeal to others. I am a not just a sexual being but a sensual being. I make people feel seen.