Celibacy Journal Collection-Day Three

106 more days until I see who I am after finally listening to the universe.

Today I find myself angry and stuck in a cycle of self hate. I hate that I let “him”do me like that. I can’t even be mad at him he was honest, he was straight up about his intentions… I just thought I could change his mind…. But I can’t help but find so many scenarios that I just brushed over in the moment that I can see now weren’t okay. I’m angry because I did this to myself … this pain. Why don’t I love myself enough to value my standards, and to hold stubbornly to them because it’s what I want? I compromised my wants and needs and desires for hopes and expectations that I could change his mind. I need to be okay with being alone if don’t have exactly the same commitment level or a person that can meet my standards and expectations. No more settling. It’s okay to pass, not every connection cares that you share so much of yourself with them, find the ones who truly do … not just for their convenience. I need to value who I am and what I want more than just trying to be what these little boys want me to be.

When I value myself higher my standards get higher, which is okay… means I may have less attention because I’m a bit intimidating, I know my power, a force to be reckoned with. But that just means that I get to be more selective because I am valuable. Any man who does approach me will know he is the one that needs to impress me. Because like damn that last two, I pursued… I’m finally okay waiting for a worthy pursuer even if that means I may be alone. I am worthy enough to be picky about who I share my energy with. I will be selective, I will take my time, there’s no hurry… I’m worth the wait.