“Pieces”

Wow to hear you essentially say that you would do it all the same way again because all your dreams are about to come true. Woof I died inside. Not because I was angry not because I hated you but because you were always right. You never told me your dream was us you never made me feel that I was the goal, that we were the goal. I finally understood. I forced this, God I forced my marriage. He never asked me to marry him I was scared to be alone so I forced a man to marry me. I died on the inside because I finally realized I always dreamt of us but you never did. I always wondered why I never felt prioritized or wanted as much and it’s because damn I wasn’t the priority. To him, I was just a nice toy he picked up on the way to where he really wanted to be…. His real dreams. I finally understand I caused all of this unhappiness, I forced timing that wasn’t right. No wonder I always cried when I was left on the couch by myself after hours of waiting up, no wonder sex never felt good just a chore a way to seek validation, no wonder I always felt alone in my marriage, no wonder I begged and ached and I cried and wondered why, wondered if you were broken, so broken to not see how much I needed you. Ahh

But see no wonder. You always told me what you wanted to do and who you wanted to be but no I ignored all that created a pseudo reality up in my head. Where you were someone completely different. I always tried to change you, no wonder you never felt accepted. I pushed and pushed and now I finally see the whole time I kept telling myself this isn’t working because we just grew apart and we did. The funny thing was I always thought it was me who grew up, away from you, but now I see holy shit you grew up, away from me. You always said what you wanted and always prioritized yourself over me. Unlike me who gave and gave and gave so much of myself that when I looked at the parts I had left for myself I didn’t even recognize me. I stared at the holes in me stared at all you had taken from me. But you didn’t take I gave. I gave with the expectation that you would give and you would fill in my holes and I would fill in yours and we would be one soul, whole. But you never did .. you never said you would but I still had that expectation. So day after day I stared at my broken self and one day I couldn't stand all the anger all the pain of never getting what I thought I deserved. But now I realize… it was you who did it right. I was never supposed to give so much of myself without anything in return. I was never supposed to lead, and drive, and control. What kind of relationship did I think this would be the day I denied who you were and created the idea of you I liked more was the day I truly abandoned myself.

And now after realizing all of this I sit and look at myself and wonder if I know myself well enough am I aware of flaws and inner consciousness to trust that I’m not doing this again, just with someone new. Gosh, I can’t tell and it makes me want to run away. There are so many questions not of you but of me. Can I trust my perspective because I genuinely thought it was love the first time and this feels different but it’s harder oh it’s so hard because it forces me to grow and change and process so much about myself and god it’s so scary I think at a minimum I will loosen my hold you know how I feel I won’t make the same mistake of not being pursued I will not force this if you want this just as much as I do we will meet each other halfway I need to stop sacrificing things important to me for your wellbeing and as much as I love you and love the idea of who you could maybe one day be to me I cannot lose myself to more ideas so until they are reality I’m done choosing other people. I choose me.